Short Story: Depression to Now

– completely lonely, even at parties/with friends
– see no future fitting in, or ever being happy
– prefer being dead, but can’t imagine crushing parents (100% tears every time)
– suicide ruled out, take hard look at self
– put thoughts/feelings on paper, create separation, create perspective
– see failed “I’ll be happy when” pattern
– realize addiction to sadness, to pity, recognize patterns
– give up purity, use alcohol/marijuana to creative more perspective
– recognize everyone has shit, prespective on own shit is key
– recognize I can interrupt shitty feelings with a thought
– begin continuously asking self if thoughts/feelings useful at the moment
– first major step in meditation, unknown at the time
– in so doing, steer my thoughts useful, feelings less anxious
– slowly, continuously, re-shaping useless feelings/thoughts, choose happy
– encounter apparent constant resistance from Universe/God, essentially temptation
– believe Universe testing me, only justification for shit I muster
– dance with other beautifully controversial beliefs, develop own religion
– decidedly hammer in practical beauties like: music, food, skies, water
– work in factories for a while, spend much time solo
– deepen thought addiction unconsciously, lose ability to have good conversation
– begin working customer service, have to redevelop attention outside mind
– remember my hatred for stupidity and rudeness quite quickly
– recognize hatred = my own arogance that others should be like me
– hate myself for flaws again, wind up in similar pattern
– recognize my hatred = between who I am/should be
– look at beliefs of who I should be
– put thoughts/feelings on paper, create separation, create perspective
– recognize I’ve been meditating all along, had wrong concept
– understand music, food, bowling, movies, conversations are my meditation
– read meditation books, begin to recognize now is everything
– everything I ever experience will be in the now
– put to screen, separate self, share, perspective, love, peace.

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